


modern loneliness

by Schriftstellerexcerpts



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-09
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:55:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23084350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Schriftstellerexcerpts/pseuds/Schriftstellerexcerpts
Summary: “We’re home,” Wynonna says, a soft smile on her face.Nicole nods. “Home,” she echoes.Wynonna starts walking down the hallway. She stops and turns after she realizes that Nicole is still standing in the same place. “C’mon,” she says softly. “Let’s go see our girl.”
Relationships: Waverly Earp & Nicole Haught, Waverly Earp/Nicole Haught, Wynonna Earp & Doc Holliday, Xavier Dolls/Wynonna Earp
Comments: 26
Kudos: 101





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, everyone. Here's the first chapter of the new series I've been working on.
> 
> I've been wanting to write this for a long time, but I never knew how to go about writing it. I started writing it a week or so ago and it kind of took off in my mind. This is the result.
> 
> Enjoy.
> 
> All feedback is welcome.

Nicole looks down at the picture she always keep on her. It’s a picture of her and Waverly wrapped up in each other’s arms. Wynonna took it a few days before Nicole and Wynonna left for Basic Training. That was three and a half years ago.

“You okay?” Wynonna says from beside Nicole, her duffle bag hanging at her side.

Nicole takes in a deep breath and lets it out. “Yeah,” she says, putting the picture back in her wallet. She tucks her wallet into her duffle bag, then slings the duffle bag over her shoulder.

“We’re home,” Wynonna says, a soft smile on her face.

Nicole nods. “Home,” she echoes.

Wynonna starts walking down the hallway. She stops and turns after she realizes that Nicole is still standing in the same place. “C’mon,” she says softly. “Let’s go see our girl.”

Nicole swallows hard, then follows Wynonna down the hallway. She should be happy — she knows that — but it’s kind of hard to be happy when you’re coming back to the place you grew up in as a whole different person. Nicole was once soft, easy-going, and everything Waverly wanted. Now, though, she’s hard, rough around the edges, and unsure if she’s still everything Waverly wants.

Wynonna’s changed, too. Before she and Nicole left, Wynonna was witty, a little hard, and had an edge. Now, she’s more careful with her words, even harder than she was before, and has more of an edge.

When they make it to the end of the hallway, they see Gus and Waverly waiting for them. Waverly is holding up a sign that says, “My Big Sis and My Best Baby.”

Nicole’s breath hitches when she sees Waverly. She’s even more beautiful than she was before Nicole and Wynonna left. She grew her hair out, got a little taller, and still takes Nicole’s breath away.

When Waverly sees them, she squeals and drops her sign as she runs up to the two of them. She hugs Wynonna first, practically tackling her in a bear hug. Wynonna accepts it easily, holding Waverly close to her because she missed this. She missed the nights she and Waverly would stay up late on school nights to bake cookies or watch movies.

“‘Nonna,” Waverly says against Wynonna’s shoulder.

“Hey, babygirl,” Wynonna says, her eyes glossed over.

Waverly pulls away and smiles. “I missed you so much,” she says.

“I missed you, too,” Wynonna says. She kisses Waverly’s forehead.

Waverly leans into the kiss and gives Wynonna another hug before she turns to Nicole. “Baby,” she breathes out, her eyes wet on the edges.

Nicole stands up straight, her body stiff. “Hey, Waves,” she says.

Waverly runs at her and jumps into her arms. Nicole has to drop her duffle bag in order to properly catch Waverly. Waverly peppers Nicole’s face with kisses, placing numerous ones on her lips. “Oh, my gosh,” she says, tears streaming down her face. “You’re home.”

Nicole swallows her tears. “Hi, baby,” she says.

“Hi,” Waverly says, a small giggle escaping her lips. She sniffles, leaning into kiss Nicole again.

Nicole lets Waverly down and Waverly instantly leans into her side.

“My girls are home,” Gus says, giving Wynonna and Nicole a hug.

“Hi, Gus,” Wynonna says, smiling.

“My brave girls,” Gus says, her voice catching.

Nicole kisses the top of Waverly’s head. “How are you, ma’am?” She asks Gus, pulling Waverly impossibly closer.

“You know better than to call me that,” Gus tells Nicole.

Nicole nods. “It’s good to see you, Gus,” she says.

“You, too, girl,” Gus says. “Let’s get you two home. Everyone is waiting at The Garden.”

Wynonna looks at Nicole, then at Gus. “How many people are there?” She asks.

“Practically the whole town,” Gus says.

Nicole’s eyes go wide and she tenses up.

Wynonna does the same. “Can…can we maybe just go to the homestead? Just the four of us?” She asks.

“Everyone wants to see you guys,” Waverly says.

Nicole clenches her jaw and pulls away from Waverly.

“Baby?” Waverly questions.

Nicole takes long, deep breaths. “M’fine,” she mumbles, looking toward Wynonna.

Wynonna walks closer to Nicole and places her hands on her shoulders. “Look at me, Haught,” she says, her voice dropping an octave.

“Wynonna,” Nicole tries.

“Sergeant Haught,” Wynonna says more firmly this time. “Look at me when I’m talking to you.”

Nicole instantly straightens. “Yes, ma’am,” she says.

“Count with me, okay?” Wynonna says and Nicole nods. “One.”

Nicole closes her eyes.

“Run, Haught!” Wynonna had screamed.

“Two,” Wynonna says.

“Earp!” Nicole had screamed after the explosion as she looked through all of the smoke for Wynonna.

“Three,” Wynonna says.

Nicole opens her eyes.

“I’m right here,” Wynonna says softly. “I’m right here.”

Nicole lets out a breath she didn’t even know she was holding. “I’m good,” she assures Wynonna. “Thank you.”

“I always got you, Haught,” Wynonna says, giving her a soft smile. “Let’s go home, yeah?”

Nicole nods. “Yeah,” she says, turning back to Waverly and offering her her hand.

“You okay?” Waverly asks, picking up her sign before she grabs Nicole’s hand.

“I’m all good, baby,” Nicole says, giving Waverly’s hand a reassuring squeeze. “I like your sign.”

“Thank you,” Waverly says, leading Nicole out of the airport and towards the car.

—

“Welcome home,” Randy Nedley says to Nicole as he offers her a beer.

Nicole is a little shaky to accept it, but she does anyway. “Thank you, sir,” she says, glancing over at Wynonna, who is talking to Doc Holliday.

“Any idea when or where your next deployment will be?” Nedley asks.

Nicole shakes her head. “We know for sure that we’re gonna be home for a month, but we have no idea what to expect after that. We could get deployed right away, or we could get an assignment to stay here for a couple of years,” she tells him.

“How does that girl of yours feel about that?” Nedley asks.

Nicole takes a swig of her beer. “She doesn’t know yet,” she says.

“She doesn’t know that you and Wynonna signed up for another deployment?” Nedley asks around the brim of his beer.

Nicole shakes her head. “No, sir,” she says.

Nedley pats Nicole on the shoulder. “You oughta tell her soon,” he says. “And good luck when you do.”

Nicole looks down. “Yes, sir,” she says. “Thank you, sir.”

Nedley walks off to go and talk to Gus and Nicole looks around The Garden for Waverly. She spots her talking to Chrissy Nedley.

“Hey,” Wynonna says as she approaches Nicole, a beer in her hand.

“Hey,” Nicole says. “You doin’ okay?”

Wynonna nods. “Yeah. You?” She says.

“Yeah,” Nicole says. “What were you and Doc talking about?”

Wynonna shrugs. “Just small talk,” she says. She takes a swig of her beer. “He apologized for…uh…for not writing me back.”

Nicole leans against the bar. “Did he have a reason?” She asks.

Wynonna sighs. “He’s in a relationship,” she says.

“What?” Nicole asks, raising her eyebrows.

Wynonna nods. “With Rosita,” she says.

“Seriously?” Nicole asks, her eyebrows furrowed. “Even after everything he said to you before we left?”

Wynonna chews on the side of her lip. “Yeah,” she says.

“Asshole,” Nicole mutters. “What about Dolls? Where’s he?”

Wynonna shrugs, looking away. “I don’t know,” she says.

Nicole sets her beer down and wraps her arm around Wynonna. It’s weird seeing her in a leather jacket. When they were overseas, all they wore were their Army uniforms or the occasional jeans with a tank top.

“Doc’s missing out,” Nicole tells Wynonna as she glances over at Doc kissing Rosita on the cheek. “They both are.”

“I thought I’d like being back home, but I’d much rather be back overseas,” Wynonna says, taking a long pull from her beer.

“It’s only our first night back,” Nicole says. “It’s gonna take some time to get used to.”

“I know,”Wynonna says. “But it’s already too much. All of these people, the hugs, the loudness. I…I’m freaking out.”

Nicole grabs Wynonna’s face. “Breathe,” she says softly. “It’s just you and me, okay? No one else is here, Earp. It’s just you and me. Nothing else matters.”

Wynonna takes in a deep breath, then lets it out. “I need some air,” she says, pulling awayfrom Nicole.

“I’ll come with you,” Nicole offers.

“No, please,” Wynonna says. “I’ll just be a few minutes, okay?”

Nicole nods. “Okay,” she says, her arms limp at her sides. She watches as Wynonna walks out of The Garden.

“Nicole,” she hears Waverly say from behind her.

Nicole doesn’t turn around for a moment. She stays in the same place, as if frozen in time and her mind wanders back to the first time Wynonna called her her best friend and the first time Waverly called her her girlfriend. It was all happiness back then, back when Nicole wasn’t as broken as she is now. Maybe a piece of her holds onto that happiness in hopes that one day the three of them could go back to how they were; to when Wynonna smiled at her like she was the greatest thing to ever walk this Earth and to when Waverly called her “baby” as she watched Nicole bail hay in nothing but too tight jeans and boots.

Times have changed, though. Now, Nicole is but a shadow of her old self. Sure, she can still bail hay and wear those jeans, but she can’t laugh like she did before. Instead of Wynonna smiling at her like she’s the greatest thing to walk this Earth, Wynonna now smiles at her with fear in her eyes — fear that this could all be taken away from them in the blink of an eye. And Waverly looks at her with worry from her head to her toes and Nicole thinks that that is no way to love someone.

But she turns around and faces Waverly, who has Chrissy right by her side.

“Hey,” Waverly says, that same worry in her eyes.

Nicole picks up her beer and chugs the rest of it. “Hey,” she says back.

“I was thinking that maybe we could leave here in a few minutes,” Waverly says. “I know you’re exhausted.”

Nicole nods. “I’m gonna go outside and check on Wynonna,” she says. She goes to tip her hat at Chrissy, but realizes that she forgot to put it on when they stopped at the homestead before coming to The Garden. She’s missed her hat, the sincerity that it holds. It’s the same hat that Wynonna bought her, the same one she kissed Waverly for the first time in, back when they were fifteen-years-old. “Chrissy,” she offers instead before turning around and walking outside of The Garden.

She spots Wynonna leaning against Waverly’s Jeep, her eyes closed and her hands on her head. It’s a tactic their Captain taught them.

“When you feel like you can’t breathe, when your feelings get to be too much, close your eyes and put your hands on your head. Focus on being,” Captain Shapiro told them before they all got sent home.

Nicole stands there until Wynonna opens her eyes.

“I’m okay,” Wynonna says, though Nicole can hear the uneasiness in her voice. “I was getting ready to go back inside.”

“We’re going home,” Nicole says, walking towards Waverly’s Jeep.

“Good,” Wynonna says, relief filling up her body. “I can’t stay here any longer.”

“You girls ready?” Gus asks as she approaches Waverly’s Jeep.

Nicole and Wynonna nod.

“Yes, ma’a-“ Nicole says, stopping herself. “Gus. Yes, Gus.”

Gus smiles and pats Nicole on the shoulder before she climbs into the front seat.

Waverly walks out of The Garden a few minutes later, carrying two takeout boxes.

“What d’ya got there, darlin’?” Nicole asks, her southern accent thick.

“Food,” Waverly says, “for you and Wynonna. I haven’t seen you eat since you’ve been home.”

“We’re not hungry,” Wynonna says as she gets into the Jeep.

Waverly waits until Nicole climbs into the Jeep before she hands her the takeout boxes. “You’re gonna eat,” she says sternly.

The ride home is silent. Wynonna picks at her fingers for the majority of the ride and Nicole looks out of the window. The silence is nice. It reminds her of being on base at night. It would be so quiet that you could hear the wind changing directions. It offered the soldiers momentary bliss and sometimes Nicole and Wynonna’s whole unit would stay up a little longer after lights out and just take in the silence.

When they get home, Gus tells them goodnight and heads to bed. Waverly makes Nicole and Wynonna sit down at the table and eat their food. She got them both a grilled cheese with some fries.

“I’m really not hungry, darlin’,” Nicole says, looking down at the grilled cheese.

“Eat, Nicole,” Waverly says as she pours the both of them a glass of water.

“Babygirl, we’re not hungry,” Wynonna says. “It’s way passed lights out. We’re exhausted.”

“Lights out?” Waverly questions, eyebrows furrowed together.

Nicole nods. “Lights out is at 2100 hours,” she tells Waverly. “Right now, it’s nearing 2300 hours.”

“You guys don’t have to follow that rule anymore. You served, okay? You’re home now,” Waverly says.

“It’s not that simple, babygirl,” Wynonna says.

“Okay,” Waverly says. “I’m sorry. I know it’s going to take awhile for you guys to get out of that routine. You guys don’t have to eat if you’re not hungry. I just want to make sure that you guys are okay.”

“We’re fine,” Wynonna says, looking at Nicole, then back at Waverly. She scoots her chair back and walks over to Waverly. “I’m gonna head to bed.” She kisses Waverly’s forehead. “Night.”

“G’night, Earp,” Nicole says as she watches Wynonna head for the stairs. She looks back down at the food in front of her. “I’ll try to eat it if you really want me to, darlin’.”

Waverly shakes her head. “No, it’s okay,” she says. “I’ll put them in the fridge for tomorrow.”

Nicole rubs her hands on her face and sighs. She figured that being home would bring her some peace, but it’s proving to bring her more stress. A part of her tells her that she should run;that she should go and let Waverly be happy with someone else, be happy with someone she doesn’t have to constantly worry about. The other part of her, though, the selfish side of her, tells her that she should stay and succumb to everything that Waverly Earp is; that she should love her with every fiber of her being.

“I’m real tired,” Nicole says as she stretches in the chair.

Waverly kisses the side of Nicole’s face. “Go on to bed, love. I’ll be up shortly,” she says.

Nicole stands up and pecks Waverly’s lips. “Okay,” she says. She turns and heads up the stairs and into her and Waverly’s bedroom.

They moved in with each other a week before Nicole and Wynonna left for basic training. It feels weird being in here now. She got so used to calling a cot inside of a tent her home that she doesn’t even know how to process that this is her home.

She strips her clothes and stays in just her compression boxers and sports bra. She contemplates going and checking on Wynonna, but she talks herself out of doing so because she doesn’t want Wynonna to think that she’s hovering.

She goes into the bathroom and brushes her teeth. After washing her face, she goes back into the bedroom and finds Waverly laying down. She crawls into bed next to her and lies there stiffly, unsure of what to do.

Once a thin blanket is now a big comforter with three throw blankets. Once the sound of trees blowing in the wind is now the soft melody of peacefulness. Once the feeling of being alone is now the feeling of a beautiful woman right next to her.

“It feels nice having you here next to me,” Waverly says, her voice soft. “For three years,I was cold and alone.”

_I was, too,_ Nicole thinks.

“But I’m warm now,” Waverly continues. “I missed you being here next to me.”

“I missed it too, baby,” Nicole says.

She tries to will herself to relax, but she can’t. Her body is so used to sleeping lightly, waiting to hear the sound of someone yelling or someone crying.

Waverly places her head on Nicole’s chest and wraps an arm around her middle.

It’s almost too much for Nicole. She almost turns the other way, but she tells herself that this is where she’s supposed to be. She’s supposed to hold her girlfriend at night and kiss her in the morning.

Then there’s the voice inside of her head, the one that’s told her she’s not good enough all of these years, that tells her to push Waverly away. Set her free, let her soar.

_She’s tied down because of you,_ the voice tells her. _You clipped her wings._

Nicole squeezes her eyes shut and tries to control her breathing.

Waverly doesn’t notice because she’s already passed out, fully wrapped around Nicole and completely relaxed.

Nicole is the opposite. She’s always been the opposite of Waverly and she thinks that’s maybe why they work so well together.

Nicole figures Wynonna deserves someone to love her the way Nicole loves Waverly. Wynonna’s so strong and so fragile all at once and she deserves someone to reassure her in all of the ways that Nicole can’t.

So she reaches for her phone and sends a text to Dolls.

To Xavier Dolls, 10:05 P.M: _Why no-show tonight?_

From Xavier Dolls, 10:06 P.M: _Got busy. Had to help Shorty on the farm._

To Xavier Dolls, 10:07 P.M: _She needed you there._

From Xavier Dolls, 10:08 P.M: _I’ll make it up to her. Was planning on coming over tomorrow morning with breakfast._

To Xavier Dolls, 10:09 P.M: _I hope you mean that. Night._

From Xavier Dolls, 10:10 P.M: _I do. Night._

Nicole sets her phone back on the nightstand and closes her eyes, forcing her thoughts to subside so that she can fall asleep.

And she does.

—

It doesn’t last long.

A few hours later, Nicole wakes up shouting Wynonna’s name in a cold sweat.

“Earp!” She screams, her eyes still closed as the nightmare consumes her. “They’re coming! Wynonna!”

“Nicole,” Waverly says from beside her. “Baby, wake up.”

Tears stream down Nicole’s face as she continues to scream.

Waverly shakes her, pleading for her to wake up.

Wynonna comes running into the room, sweatpants and a tank top on.

“Haught,” she says, crouching down by the bed on Nicole’s side. “It’s me. I’m right here.”

Nicole’s screams become shallower, more soft.

“Open your eyes,” Wynonna says. “We’re home. Wake up.”

Nicole’s eyes shoot open and she breathes heavily, trying to catch her breath.

“Hey,” Wynonna says, wiping Nicole’s tears off of her face.

“I’m sorry,” Nicole says. She sits up and looks down at all of the sweat that’s soaking into the sheets. She looks at Waverly. “I’ll wash the sheets, baby. I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Waverly assures her.

Nicole stands up and looks at the clock. It reads 0200 hours. “I’m gonna shower,” she mumbles before disappearing out of the bedroom.

“Looks like we’re getting and early start to the day,” Wynonna says. “I’m gonna go make some coffee.”

“It’s two o’clock in the morning,” Waverly says, her eyes barely open.

“We usually wake up around 0300 and 0400 hours anyway,” Wynonna tells Waverly. “Go back to sleep, babygirl. Don’t worry about Haught. She’s tough.”

“I know she is,” Waverly says. “But she also has a tendency to hide what she’s feeling.”

“She’s working on it,” Wynonna says. “We both are. Now, go back to sleep. I’ll see you later.”

Waverly falls back asleep within seconds.

—

“You could’ve gone back to sleep,” Nicole says as she walks into the kitchen after showering.

Wynonna offers her a cup of coffee. “What was your nightmare about?” She asks.

Nicole accepts the cup of coffee and shrugs. “Nothing,” she says, sitting down at the table.

“Okay. We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” Wynonna says.

If she’s learned anything, it’s not to push Nicole to talk about something she doesn’t want to talk about. If you push her, she either snaps or becomes even more distant. Wynonna learned this on the nights Nicole would cry herself to sleep because of how much she missed Waverly or because of the trauma they experienced that day. One night, Wynonna tried to get her to talk about it and Nicole didn’t talk to her the whole next day.

“I’m gonna go on a run after I drink this,” Nicole tells Wynonna.

“I’ll come with you,” Wynonna says.

“I don’t need a babysitter,” Nicole snaps, her voice cold.

Wynonna doesn’t even flinch. She’s become accustomed to what Nicole’s like when she’s hurting. “I just wanna go on a run. Maybe after we can go in the barn and box for a little while?”

Nicole takes a sip of her coffee and nods. “Sounds good,” she says.

—

“When I come at you like this,” Nicole says, lifting her arm and slowly hooking it to softly collide with Wynonna’s face, “duck and grab my arm so that you can take control.”

“Okay,” Wynonna says.

“Let’s try it,” Nicole says, doing the same motion as before but faster this time.

Wynonna grabs Nicole’s arm before it collides with her face. “How’s that?” She asks.

“Good,” Nicole says, giving her an affirmative nod.

“You guys planning on coming inside anytime soon?” Waverly asks from where she’s standing by the entrance to the barn.

“Good morning, darlin’,” Nicole says, smiling softly.

“Good morning, baby,” Waverly says, walking over to Nicole. “You’re all sweaty. How long have the two of you been out here?”

Wynonna shrugs. “Since, like, 0400,” she says.

“It’s seven now,” Waverly informs the two of them. “Dolls is here with breakfast.”

Nicole notices how Wynonna flinches. It’s quick and barely there, but nonetheless there.

“We’ll be right in, darlin’,” Nicole tells Waverly.

Waverly kisses Nicole before turning and walking out of the barn.

“You okay?” Nicole asks Wynonna.

Wynonna nods. “Fine,” she says, grabbing one of the hand towels and wiping off her face with it. “C’mon. I’m starving. Hopefully Dolls brought donuts.”

Nicole follows her inside. Sometimes it scares her how good Wynonna is at hiding what she feels. Her whole world could come crashing down and she wouldn’t even bat an eye.

“Earp,” Dolls says when Nicole and Wynonna walk into the kitchen. He’s got on jeans and a light red t-shirt with a ball cap on his head. “It’s good to see you.”

Wynonna offers him a small smile. “You, too,” she says. “What’d you bring for breakfast?”

Dolls gestures towards the box of donuts sitting on the counter. “Creme filled donuts. Some with sprinkles and some without. Your favorite,” he tells her.

“That’s the best welcome home gift I’ve gotten,” Wynonna says and the tension in the room becomes lighter, almost gone.

“Sit down,” Dolls says, pulling out a chair for Wynonna. “I’ll get you a couple of donuts and some coffee.”

Wynonna sits down in the chair and Dolls scoots her in. “Thank you,” she says.

Nicole follows Dolls. “You came through,” she says.

Dolls picks up a couple of donuts and sets them on a plate. “I told you I was going to,” he tells her.

Nicole pats Dolls on the shoulder before grabbing a donut for herself and heading towards the table.

“I was beginning to think that you guys were never going to come inside,” Gus says as she walks into the kitchen, dressed in a flannel and jeans.

“Morning, Gus,” Wynonna says. “Dolls brought donuts.”

“I had some eggs earlier,” Gus says. “I’m headed out for the day. Shorty’s ranch hands quit on him a couple of months back so Dolls and I have been helping him out.”

“You have?” Wynonna questions, looking at Dolls, who had just set the plate of donuts and a mug full of coffee in front of Wynonna.

Dolls nods. “Yeah,” he says. “That’s where I was last night.”

“Oh,” Wynonna says, realization in her eyes.

Nicole notices Wynonna visibly relax and the uncertainty leave her body.

“I could help out, too,” Nicole tells Gus. “I used to help Curtis out on the ranch all the time.”

“Are you sure, baby?” Waverly asks. “I mean, you just got back yesterday. Don’t you wanna take a few days to just be?”

“I like ranchin’, baby,” Nicole tells Waverly. “Before I moved here, I lived on one in Dallas. Remember?”

Waverly nods, though there’s concern in her eyes. “Yeah,” she says. “I just thought that we could spend some time together.”

“We can when I get home,” Nicole assures her.

“If you’re going, then I’m going,” Wynonna tells Nicole around the mouthful of donuts.

“Alright,” Gus says as she ties her boots. “I’ll see the three of you there.” She bids them farewell, then is out of the door.

“What’re your plans today, darlin’?” Nicole asks Waverly after she finishes her donut.

“I’m gonna go to The Garden and do inventory,” Waverly tells Nicole. “Running a business is everything I thought it would be and more, but I definitely don’t like doing inventory.”

Waverly had worked her ass off in high school and got enough credits to only have to attend college for a couple years in order to get her business degree. After she graduated college, she bought the small diner and named it, “The Garden Diner,” after Curtis. Some of Waverly’s best childhood memories are ones spent with Curtis in his garden so she she figured it made since to name the diner after those memories.

“Well, I’m proud of you, darlin’,” Nicole tells Waverly. “You’re a business owner at the age of twenty-one and a successful one at that.”

“Thank you, baby,” Waverly says, smiling. “That means a lot.”

“Alright, let’s get a move on,” Wynonna says when she stands up. “I’m gonna go get changed.”

“Right behind you, Earp,” Nicole says as she stands up and kisses Waverly.

Nicole follows Wynonna up the stairs and a piece of her thinks that maybe the two of them will be okay. They might’ve changed a lot since being overseas and their family might never understand the changes they’ve had, but maybe that’s okay.

Maybe Waverly will continue to love her, even though she could do so much better than Nicole Haught. Hell, she’s even had someone come up to her and say that before; say that Waverly is the sun and she’s the rain. Sure, it was one of Waverly’s exes who told her that, but it still hit her like a ton of bricks.

They’ve had the argument before, right before Nicole and Wynonna left for deployment. Nicole told Waverly that Waverly didn’t have to wait for her, that she could go and find someone who was wholesome and unbroken and _there_. Waverly had shook her head and cried. She told Nicole that there would never be anyone else for her, that she’d wait for her for eternity if that’s what it’d take to be with Nicole.

Nicole wonders if her answer has maybe changed since that day. For three years, all they had were letters and ten minute phone calls once a week. Maybe that changed things for Waverly, loving someone who was so far away for so long.

Nicole wants to believe that she and Waverly are stronger than three years apart, but there’s always the thought of them not being that strong.

It breaks her heart, but maybe it’s true.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I, uh, I think we just broke up,” Nicole tells her before she walks out of the house and gets into her truck. Gus is already gone so Nicole figures she must’ve left when she was still upstairs arguing with Waverly.
> 
> “Nicole,” Wynonna says as she gets into Nicole’s truck. “What do you mean you think you guys broke up?”
> 
> Nicole rubs her hands on her face frustratedly. “She said she doesn’t know if she still wants to be with me if I go back overseas,” she tells Wynonna.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, you guys. Here's chapter two.
> 
> How was everyone's week?
> 
> Enjoy the chapter. Any and all feedback is welcome.

Nicole used to love waking up before the sun came up and drinking coffee while watching the sunrise with Waverly. She remembers one specific memory of watching the sunrise with Waverly. Nicole had just turned eighteen and Waverly was seventeen. They had been dating on and off for years, since Nicole was fifteen and Waverly was fourteen. Nicole watched as Waverly danced to the soft music playing from her phone. Nicole held her cup of coffee in her hand and smiled at Waverly, completely entranced in the moment.

Maybe it was the way the rising sun beat down perfectly on Waverly’s tan skin or maybe it was the way Waverly danced, so slow yet fast at the same time, the same way Nicole fell in love with her. She had realized it then, the overflowing want to spend the rest of her life with Waverly.

So she had blurted it out.

“I love you,” she had said and Waverly had stopped dancing.

The music seemed too loud then, the sun too bright, her coffee too bitter.

But then Waverly smiled, her eyes wet on the corners. “I’ve been waiting for you to say that since I was fourteen,” she had told Nicole.

“I’m not good at loving people,” Nicole had said.

“I think you underestimate yourself, Nicole Haught,” Waverly had said.

Nicole remembers thinking that if Waverly Earp told her she loved her, too, then she’d be the luckiest person to ever walk the Earth.

“I love you, too,” Waverly had told her.

And then she had kissed Nicole and everything was okay.

Now, Nicole wakes up in cold sweats and tears streaming down her face. She is relieved when her nightmares don’t wake Waverly up because when they do, Waverly will get up with Nicole and pamper her. Sure, Nicole likes it sometimes, likes it when Waverly will pepper kisses all over her face and whisper sweet nothings in her ear, but sometimes it’s too much and Nicole feels the overwhelming need to push Waverly away.

Nicole wakes up at 0400 hours with sweat all over her body and the sheets and tears on her face. She looks at Waverly, who is still fast asleep, and then gets out of bed.

She takes a shower, changes into jeans and a tucked-in peach-colored flannel that Waverly had bought her years ago, and brushes her hair.

She and Wynonna have been home for a week. They’ve fallen into a routine. They wake up at 0400 hours, shower, eat breakfast, drink coffee, go to Shorty’s ranch, go to The Garden around 1700 hours to eat dinner. After that, they’ll go home and box in the barn. They usually get done with that at 1900 hours. Then they’ll go inside and either drink a beer and watch sports or go to bed early.

The routine has been good for them, but they still have their moments of scary flashbacks, hyperventilating, and nightmares.

Nicole goes downstairs and finds Wynonna drinking coffee while staring off into space.

“Morning, Haught,” Wynonna says, coming out of whatever haze she was in.

“Morning, Earp,” Nicole says, grabbing a coffee mug out of the cupboard and pouring herself a cup of coffee. “You sleep okay?”

Wynonna shakes her head. “Not even the slightest,” she says. “You?”

Nicole stirs some sugar into her coffee. “Nope,” she says. She goes and sits across from Wynonna at the table. “No breakfast today?”

Wynonna shrugs. “Not hungry,” she says.

“Neither am I,” she says. “Gus oughta be down soon. She’ll make us eat.”

“Is Waves still asleep?” Wynonna asks.

Nicole nods. “Yeah,” she says. “I feel bad because I wake her up almost every morning because of my nightmares.”

“She’s worried about you,” Wynonna says behind the rim of her coffee mug.

Nicole sighs. “I know,” she says.

Wynonna sets her empty coffee mug down, contemplating getting another cup. “She’s gonna be even more worried when we tell her,” she says.

The thought of telling Waverly that she and Wynonna might get shipped overseas again makes Nicole’s stomach turn. Waverly didn’t take it well when they had told her that they were joining the Army. She cried and screamed at them and it broke their hearts.

Waverly thinks that after serving three years, that Nicole and Wynonna would be done. That was the original plan, but then, in some way, Nicole and Wynonna fell in love with the army. They love the thrive, the adrenaline, the challenges that it brings. They had agreed together that they were going sign up for another tour with their unit because all of them had become a little family.

“I know,” Nicole says, rubbing her hands on her face. “I don’t know how we’re going to tell her.”

“Tell who what?” Waverly asks as she walks into the kitchen, still half asleep.

Wynonna’s eyes go wide.

Nicole’s breathing halts.

“We signed up for another deployment,” Wynonna blurts out, unsure of what else to say.

Nicole shoots her daggers. “Yeah, we, uh, we did,” she says.

Waverly looks between the two of them and turns to walk back up the stairs.

“Why did you tell her?” Nicole asks, her eyebrows raised.

“I don’t know. I panicked,” Wynonna says.

A door slams upstairs.

“Fuck,” Nicole mumbles.

“What’s going on?” Gus asks as she emerges from her bedroom and walks into the kitchen. “Who’s slamming doors?”

“We told Waverly that we signed up for another deployment,” Wynonna tells Gus. “And now I guess we just told you.”

Gus furrows her eyebrows. “You signed up to get deployed again?” She asks and Nicole and Wynonna both nod. “Were you guys not gonna tell anyone until it happened or what?”

“We weren’t sure how to,” Nicole says.

“Well, I’m proud of the two of you,” Gus tells them. “But, Nicole, you had better go and talk to that girl of yours. She doesn’t seem too happy.”

Nicole stands up and nods her head. “Yes, Gus,” she says, heading upstairs and into her and Waverly’s bedroom. “Baby?” She questions softly.

Waverly looks at her with sad eyes with fiery behind them. “So were you just never going to tell me that you signed up for another deployment? Were you just gonna leave me again?” She asks.

“I never left you,” Nicole tells her. “I went overseas to fight for this country.”

“You left me here for three years,” Waverly fires back. “For three fucking years, Nicole. Do you know how hard that was for me? I could only talk to you through letters and weekly ten-minute phone calls.”

Nicole leans against the now closed door. “What do you want me to do, Waves? Do you want me to stay here and be a rancher for the rest of my life?” She asks.

“You like ranching,” Waverly points out.

“I like being in the army more,” Nicole tells her and she thinks she sees a piece of Waverly break. “If you wanted to leave to work somewhere else for a little while, I would let you. Hell, I would _encourage_ you to go. I wouldn’t beg you to stay and ask you to change who you are.”

“That was real fucking low, Nicole,” Waverly says, anger seeping from her veins. “I’m sorry that I’m asking my _girlfriend_ to not leave for another three years when she just got back.”

“It’d be for two years, not three,” Nicole tells her.

“Wow, that makes me feel so much better,” Waverly says sarcastically. “You know what? I don’t even care. Go. Do whatever the hell you want.”

Nicole reaches for Waverly, but Waverly crosses her arms over her chest and locks her jaw. It’s the same stance she was in when 16-year-old Nicole told 15-year-old Waverly that they had to stop fooling around because Nicole had gotten a girlfriend.

Nicole looks at Waverly long and hard, her vision blurred from tears building in her eyes. “Do you…do you not wanna do this anymore?” She asks.

Waverly furrows her eyebrows. “Do what anymore?” She asks.

“This,” Nicole says, gesturing between the two of them. “Us.”

“Why wouldn’t I wanna do this anymore?” Waverly asks, raising her eyebrows.

Nicole shrugs. “You deserve someone who’s _here_ ,” she tells Waverly.

“Nicole, we’ve had this conversation before,” Waverly says exasperatedly. “I don’t want to be with anyone else.”

“There was a time you wanted to be with Champ,” Nicole reminds her.

“Because you wouldn’t commit!” Waverly practically yells. “Every time we were this close to becoming something, you pushed me away.”

Nicole tucks her hands into the front pockets of her jeans. “I’m committed to you now,” she says.

“Yeah, it only took you screwing every girl in Purgatory to commit to me,” Waverly says with fire in her voice.

“I’m not that person anymore,” Nicole tells her.

“And I don’t wanna be with Champ,” Waverly says. “You’re who I want to be with, no matter what.”

“Even if I go back overseas?” Nicole asks.

“Can we table that conversation right now?” Waverly asks, uncrossing her arms and sighing. “You’re gonna be late and I really don’t wanna keep arguing.”

“We need to have this conversation, Waves,” Nicole says.

“I know,” Waverly says.

“Are we still gonna be together if I go back overseas?” Nicole pushes.

“Nicole, please,” Waverly says, her chin quivering.

“Waverly,” Nicole says.

“Nicole,” Waverly says.

“Are we still gonna be together if I go back overseas?” Nicole asks again.

“I don’t know!” Waverly practically shouts, tears streaming down her face.

Nicole bites down hard on her lip in order to keep herself from crying. She bites down until she tastes copper. “Then figure it out,” she says, turning and leaving their bedroom. She goes back downstairs, grabs her hat, and puts her boots on.

“What happened?” Wynonna asks, concern in her voice.

“I, uh, I think we just broke up,” Nicole tells her before she walks out of the house and gets into her truck. Gus is already gone so Nicole figures she must’ve left when she was still upstairs arguing with Waverly.

“Nicole,” Wynonna says as she gets into Nicole’s truck. “What do you mean you think you guys broke up?”

Nicole rubs her hands on her face frustratedly. “She said she doesn’t know if she still wants to be with me if I go back overseas,” she tells Wynonna.

“Wait, what?” Wynonna asks, her eyebrows sewn together.

Nicole starts her truck. “Yeah,” she says as she starts heading towards Shorty’s ranch.

The ride to Shorty’s ranch is silent. Nicole squeezes the steering wheel until her fingers turn white and Wynonna looks at her with sad eyes.

When Nicole parks her truck, she just sits there and stares ahead.

“She’s just mad,” Wynonna says, trying to make the situation better. “She’s scared and she’s mad so she’s pushing you away. Do you remember when you broke your leg in middle school and she didn’t talk to you for a week?”

Nicole sighs. “This time feels different,” she says.

Nicole wishes she could go back to the time she and Waverly were so in love, so happy. Sure, they’re still in love and still happy, but something is different between them. Nicole’s felt it ever since she got back.

There was a time when Nicole vowed to herself that she would do anything in her power to make sure that Waverly was always happy, to make sure she was always taken care of, to make sure she always knew how widely and deeply she was cared for. That vow is still true and if this is the end for them, she’s still going to make sure that all of those things remain true.

“You guys will make it through,” Wynonna says. “You’ve come too far just to give up now.”

“I’m not gonna force her to be in a relationship with me,” Nicole says. She adjusts her Stetson on top of her head.

“Relationship or not, she’s still gonna love you, Nicole,” Wynonna says.

Nicole shakes her head and ignores the tears burning in her eyes. “I can’t do this right now,” she says, opening the door and hopping out of her truck.

She doesn’t talk the whole time they’re at Shorty’s ranch.

—

When Nicole, Gus, and Wynonna walk into The Garden, Gus immediately goes and talks to one of her friends who she used to ride horses with. Nicole and Wynonna go up and sit at the bar, where Waverly already has their food waiting for them.

“Hey, babygirl,” Wynonna says.

“Hi,” Waverly says while smiling, though Nicole sees right through it.

Nicole sets her Stetson down on top of the bar, right next to her food. She looks at the grilled cheese and debates whether to eat it or not. She hasn’t been all that hungry today.

“Nicole, can we talk?” Waverly asks softly, leaning in close to Nicole.

“You’re working,” Nicole points out.

Nicole’s decided that she won’t beg Waverly to stay. She took a chance falling in love with Waverly Earp and she doesn’t regret it. She could never regret loving Waverly the same way the sun could never regret loving the moon.

“I own this place, remember?” Waverly says.

Nicole places her Stetson back on her head. “I’ll be back, Earp,” she tells Wynonna before she follows Waverly outside to the back of The Garden.

Nicole’s fully prepared for heartbreak. She has been her whole life, since the moment her parents never came home and she had to move in with her grandparents. She was three-years-old when that happened.

Nicole’s fully prepared to let Waverly break her heart, to let her thank her for loving her so well, but she doesn’t need or want Nicole’s love anymore.

Nicole’s fully prepared to walk away, to move into her own place, and work on getting over Waverly Earp.

But then Waverly looks at her and Nicole realizes that she may be fully prepared for those things, but she doesn’t want to do any of them.

“Nicole, I-“ Waverly starts, but Nicole interrupts her.

“Hold on,” Nicole says, a certain desperation in her voice. “May I go first, darlin’?” She asks and Waverly nods, giving her the go-ahead. “I don’t know what your intentions are for this conversation, but I want to make mine clear. When we met, I was a shell of who I am now. I was a scared ten-year-old, who had just moved to a different country. I was a quiet kid. I only spoke when I was talked to and I knew more about horses, cows, and pigs than I did about reading and writing. I s’pose that’s still true, but what I’ve come to realize is that I would still be that shy, scared kid if it wasn’t for you and Wynonna. I met you guys and suddenly I was finally figuring out who I was meant to be; your guys’ friend, your family. And then we were in high school and you kissed me and placed your heart in my hands. That day, I told myself that I’d love you like the stars love the night sky and like the ocean loves the sand. And that I’d never leave you like your mama and dad did. But above all else, I told myself that I would always be your friend.” She takes her Stetson off and rests it on her chest. “I love you, Waverly, and I know you’re not sure if you still want to be with me, but no matter what your decision is, I will always love you and I will always be your friend.”

Nicole’s never been good with words, but Waverly makes her want to write poems and songs.

“Nicole, I don’t love you hesitantly or selfishly,” Waverly tells Nicole, sincerity dripping from her voice. “I love you completely and selflessly. I know our relationship used to be based on maybe’s and someday’s, but it isn’t anymore. I’m completely devoted to you, just like you’re completely devoted to me. I know what I said earlier and I know that it hurt you, but you have to understand what I went through when you were overseas. I was constantly worried about getting that phone call from someone over there with you telling me that you’d been hurt. Do you know what it’s like living in that constant fear? For three years, I worried and I worry still because you’re not yourself, Nicole. You have nightmares and can’t be around big crowds. And you don’t laugh as much as you used to. Wynonna’s changed, too. She’s not as witty and she doesn’t dance like nobody’s watching anymore.”

“We aren’t the same people we were when we left,” Nicole says. “But that doesn’t change how much I love you or how much I want to be with you. You don’t think that Wynonna and I were scared that we weren’t gonna come home to you the whole time we were gone? We were scared everyday, but we had to push through because we’re soldiers. We can’t live in fear. Do you wanna know what got me through all of those days? You did. I thought about kissing you and holding you and telling you that you are the greatest thing in my life.”

“But you’d choose the army over me,” Waverly says and Nicole sees those lonely eyes.

“I shouldn’t have to choose,” Nicole tells her. “Relationships aren’t built on ultimatums.”

Nicole figures relationships are built on trust and assurance and rooting for the one you love.

“I know that,” Waverly says. “But it still hurts a little knowing that you’d choose the army over me.”

Nicole puts her Stetson back on her head. “You and the army are two very different things,” she says. “I love the army the same way an adrenaline junkie loves adrenaline, but I love you the same way the flowers love the sun.”

And to Nicole’s happiness, Waverly smiles. “I’m not gonna break up with you if you go back overseas,” she says and Nicole’s body sags in relief. “I’m just scared.”

Nicole takes a chance on the tightrope and walks closer to Waverly. “It’s okay to be scared, darlin’,” she says. “I know it’s gonna be hard, but on this deployment, I get to come home at least every six months for a couple of days so it’s not all like the last time.”

“That’ll make things a little easier,” Waverly says.

“Thank you for sticking by my side, baby,” Nicole says.

“I think that I should thank you for sticking by mine,” Waverly says, wrapping her arms around Nicole’s middle.

Nicole thinks of wildflowers and roses because Waverly’s the perfect mixture of both.

Nicole kisses Waverly’s forehead, soft and sweet. Waverly rests her head on Nicole’s chest and Nicole holds her tightly.

The thought of Waverly kissing someone else, loving someone else, being with someone else makes Nicole’s stomach churn. Waverly’s been her girl for almost four years now and she wants her to be her girl for the rest of eternity.

Would you look at that.

**Author's Note:**

> I appreciate all of you.


End file.
